i'd say i'm doing pretty well then...
there are more times than not when if someone were to place bets, it would have been foolish to risk anything on my survival potential...
i think i have come to a very safe place in my life now tho, one of acceptance.
when i chose between berkeley and los angeles i wanted to go where i might make a difference. where my energy would be more sorely needed or rare. i lost a lot, but if i am still standing it means i have held my ground. and now i feel like my training can become useful. i always thought i would teach to serve the community, but i think i can be of greater use here.
i look at my thesis now and i see the goodness in it, but i also see the flaws. it is young work, my first book, and has many weaknesses. there are bright points still, but the sound collages that i got into my masters program with were only built upon for one year. and i am proud of that final piece as well, but i am ashamed to say i failed to retain a single copy of it. none of my past work has survived really. only in the hands of loved ones along the way. or in trade, occassionally for money, but usually trade or gift.
my best trade was for a pair of socks at a thrift store...they were brand new socks. those people were so nice. i really needed socks that day.
i'm tired. i am writing because i have been reading gail sher's book the intuitive writer. she is an ordained buddhist teacher and poet and wordsmith. the book is my life saving breath right now. and perfect for my difficult attention span. regardless of the form of the advice - all writing books will principally encourage daily writing as a way to hone the craft - and since paper and pen don't move fast enough for my mind, and since pages are just stacks of things i can't find later. (they just remind me of that novel i have boxes of writings for that i will finish before i die hopefully)...ahhhhhhhhhhhh............. electronic writing is so very much more efficient.
i used to have these small panic attacks when i would finish a book of writing - it would contain phone numbers, directions, 'poems', grocery lists, brilliant quotes, and then when it was full - i would have to tranfer things over but inevitably lose more than i wished. when i had a full repetoire of self-made songs, i would write the titles of them in the back of every book for shows, but this archer's bag is empty. as i've been ruminating, my own art is almost non-existant right now. i've rarely played so few shows as when i have this space, except for collaborations. it is ironic, but i am quite content. water forms to whatever is kind enough to contain it.
